Tonight's blog is solely based on my reflections lately...
I am currently in my third year of university, studying International Development and Globalization. Over the past few years I have had numerous people ask me what my program is about and I usually just say the generics- economics, politics, and sociology all mixed together. After going through two and a half years I have learnt that it is without a doubt so much more complicated than I that- almost a little too complicated for my liking.
I used to think about poor people and just simple ways to help and all of a sudden such an easy sounding phrase turned into a complicated mess. Through the years I have learnt the ins and outs of development and how complex it really is. There are numerous amounts of actors involved and there are so many contradictions within development that is does get very, very discouraging. This has been something I have been dealing with for a while- a struggle I have been trying to overcome. I wish I could tell you that this blog will provide a solution, but it won't. I haven't found the answer yet, but this is a step closer.
When studying development you learn about all of the issues related to the environment, the people, food issues, health, education, ...the list goes on and on. It gets very overwhelming and often directs me in a way that really scares me: it gets me thinking about what if I took another path, what if I didn't choose development and what if I just went to school to study journalism or to study psychology, what would life be like then? I still think about this on a everyday and wonder. But then again, I was never a "what if" girl, I like to live in the moment and always plan the future or my next move, I don't like looking back and wondering what if I took a different route. Plus everything happens for a reason, right? Who knows. I'm hoping to find that out along the way as well... *sigh* so much to look forward to.
Looking at my current position, things are alright. I am beginning exams and looking forward to Christmas will my super awesome family. But next semester, that is the where the excitement begins. As you may or may not know I am embarking on an entirely knew adventure, something I have never done before. I am going (more or less) alone to Ghana for three whole months. I am relatively isolated up north in the sense that majority of volunteers are in the south near the city. I am unsure of my actual mandate there and have no idea who I am working with or where I am staying.. adventure, right? I am really excited to challenge myself, but with that a lot of worries arise to.
If there is one thing I have learnt in development it is to have a critical eye... on everything. Which, truth be told, I absolutely hate. I hate hate hate hate hate having a critical eye. There I said it. Some (k probably all) might say I am naive.. mainly because all I want is peace and love... but seriously. I just find having a critical eye can totally ruin everything that is good in a situation and it really turns me away from ever believing in anything and I don't like that. In a way, I like to find out the hard way that things are wrong or not how they should be- because that is how I learn best. In Thailand, we were talking about the situation there and how human trafficking is terrible and what not, until we turned our positive eye towards what we were doing and realized that it was actually a story of
hope. I really don't believe in looking at the negative or the critical eye- feel free to agree or disagree, doesn't matter to me- but I think there is a huge difference between becoming aware of things and being critical of things. Because there is. It is important to be aware of your surroundings and how things work, but you don't need to criticize everything and automatically assume the worst. I don't want to become a negative person and that is something that, truthfully, I am scared of. And that is a fear of mine- to become somebody who thinks that way... (There's nothing wrong with learning from your mistakes, right?)
Anyways, back to my point, with my trip to Ghana I am really excited and trying to have a positive attitude but at the same time I am terrified of what I am going to experience- everything seems so awesome at this point and what if I turn that critical eye to everything I see and end up hating it? Sure I will learn from my experience and blah blah blah, but let's be real- focusing on girls' education, how could that turn bad? Oh but it can, just get out your "critical lens." I'm scared for what is to come and I am trying to stay positive but in development it is really difficult.
With that being said, I am trying to be "the bigger person" to myself.. if that makes sense? I continuously tell myself that if something doesn't seem appropriate or right, I have the power to change it because I am working with this organization. I will have a say and with my education I have knowledge to share. I guess I am just struggling with my place in society.. and in the world. Hopefully through this trip and through finishing up my undergrad I will be able to have a positive view on things (again). Pretty much I am just having an identity crisis... and after thinking about that, I realized that it's okay. I don't need to know who I am or what I want, but I do need to stick to my morals and values and in the end that's all that matters.
Anyways, I think that's enough for now... Last weekend I was hanging out with some friends and one asked who I rant to about development problems and I actually said nobody (which is true)... well, this is my rant for the day! I apologize for the lack of sentence structure and flow.. but after all this was just a rant.
Until next time!
Bianca
P.S.: I will be blogging again in a week or two about my pre-departure training and it will most likely make ya think, stay tuned!
Along with this trip has come a lot of administrative procedures and a lot of things I needed to take care of. For starters, Christmas. Oh how I love the hustle and bustle of Christmas, but sometimes it gets a little too hectic for me to handle. This year my family decided to spend Christmas at the cottage- Best. Decision. Ever. Escaping the city was incredible and seen as we got snowed on just a few days earlier, the country looked absolutely beautiful. We went snowboarding, baked cookies, picked out a pretty ugly Charlie Brown tree, and watched home videos! It was so much fun and incredibly relaxing. It didn't feel like Christmas- which was strange but I enjoyed it. I felt at ease with everything and I really felt like the true meaning of Christmas was there. We didn't focus on presents, we just spent so much time together and laughed so much! Just what I wanted. It was wonderful to see my family and close family friends together to celebrate the holidays.
